Sometimes when working with a client, she will express exasperation that while she is happy to have found herself a great man & a loving relationship – but there are some things in the relationship that are causing her to doubt whether this can be her long term partner.
She finds herself irritated with her guy...he does something in particular and she is turned off.
She can’t stand the way he eats, or perhaps it’s the way he cracks jokes, or it could be the way he tells his stories that causes her to question if she could actually go the distance with this man.
Have you ever felt this way?
It’s that feeling inside that makes you cringe.
The feeling inside that makes you roll your eyes… or look at your man as if he’s stupid.
The judgement may be external, in the things you find yourself saying; or you could keep the words silent but the thoughts are LOUD. And they probably show up in your stroppy, withdrawn or irritable body language.
It starts to cause a wedge in the relationship.
This is with an otherwise fantastic guy, who gives you everything you want, and you have a wonderful time with!
What’s going on here?
There are a few possibilities to be explored here, that are usually well below the surface when I work on this issue with clients.
In order to have a clear view, it’s important that the first thing you address is WHY is this thing so TRIGGERING to YOU if it doesn’t appear to bother others.
Meaning, he may not be the coolest guy in the room with stories of climbing Everest, but your friends think he’s great, they have great conversations with him, THEY ACCEPT HIM AS HE IS… while you are shrinking in your chair wishing he would pipe down about his recent trip to his parents. (Or whatever it is that bothers you)
What we often find below the surface are old stories, expectations and old hurts from the past that this man’s current behaviour is highlighting to you, and it makes you squirm.
Maybe your brothers always made fun of your stories as a kid, so unless it’s extra cool you just won’t go there. When your guy appears ‘less than cool’ you curl up inside, just like you did as a kid.
Maybe you grew up with loud, brash male figures, so your guy’s quieter demeanour has you judge him as ‘less manly’ (even though he actually provides more for you than any other man has!)
A good question to ask yourself is ‘What does this remind me of?‘ & do any emotional clearing that may need to be done. We can easily project our old insecurities on to others unknowingly.
Alternatively, I’ve worked with clients who when they do find The One and they don’t have to chase love any more , it feels totally unfamiliar and overwhelming! As a result, they want to push love away (not consciously -but subconsciously) and recreate the feeling of PINING for love that she was familiar with. Even if what is familiar doesn’t actually make her happy.
This is why we do the inner work.
Another scenario is a woman’s/ person’s own fear of either being hurt , OR, less discussed – is having the power to hurt the other.
If this is the case, the mind can & will find ways to destroy intimacy, by finding ways to criticise and find fault with the other person as a way to keep an emotional distance between the 2 of you. That way you won’t get in too deep and cause catastrophe down the line.
Perhaps you have been on the receiving end of someone doing this to you?
Suddenly they become irritated by your every day living and the relationship starts to deteriorate as you find yourself somewhat under attack for simple every day things.
When you’ve been hurt in the past, the subconscious mind will find ways to ‘keep you safe’. It really doesn’t care so much about keeping you happy, so a good emotional distance between you and anyone who could possibly hurt you is the way forward.
You’re easily irritated. You complain. You roll your eyes. You embarrass him, or become passive aggressive.
No one like to admit this shit. No one likes to be that person, but if you have a feeling this might be you… it’s killing your relationships and you can change it. So many people never take the time to do the inner reflection, and thus have the same problems in relationship time and again.
This can be why you get so easily irritated by that small thing, that logically you KNOW is not a big deal but you’re having a whole body reaction to it.
The way to make clear decisions is to be trigger free.
If you don’t have a big trigger or reaction (i.e you feel pretty neutral about it) , but it’s still something you really don’t like or feel good about then perhaps this isn’t the person for you long term. But until you look inwards, it’s hard to actually see the truth of the matter.
Do have a look though if this is a pattern that comes up for you in relationships, and take the time to see if this is reflecting an old hurt of yours that is being reflected to you to heal.
Often, once this work is done, the same thing simply doesn’t bother you much at all & there is so much more space for intimacy inside of the relationship.
If you’d like to dive deeper in to these aspects of opening up to more intimacy…
Two self study courses you can take that include many hours of energy clearings and deeper relationship education & personal development are
Radiant Love – my most comprehensive programme https://jaydiamond.podia.com/radiantlove
And Cherished 2.0