Why do men pull away when you want to connect?


‘Why is he pulling away’ is something that a lot of women talk to me about whether they’re single, or  coupled.

The experience is that they feel the more that they try and connect with their partner; the more they feel like they ‘can’t reach him’.

To gain understanding on this, we first have to accept that there are differences between men and women. It’s not a popular opinion these days, but I’m not here to be popular – it’s about Healthy, Se*y, Love.

And the 2nd thing to accept, is that just because a man doesn’t handle a situation as you would – it doesn’t mean he’s wrong.

When you can accept these two basic premises you have a better chance at discerning whether your guy is lacking in the maturity & communication department, or whether he actually just has needs that you don’t think he should have!

All too often as women, we can get stuck in the latter – but a woman who seeks to understand her man’s needs not just her own is on her way to becoming the Adored Queen.

One of the things that I teach my 1:1 clients when they’re finding that they seem to be putting in all the work with their partner or date is to think of the relationship like a bubble.

If you think of you and your partner inside this bubble – 2 people, and you’re leaning forward, they need to lean back to maintain breathing room… and if you lean forward too much – they pop out of the bubble.

The leaning forward equates to that feeling of ‘chasing’ someone. Chasing their attention, their love, their approval.

Ladies in my classes will say; “I was always trying to get connection by texting them. If I haven’t heard from them for a little while” (and this can literally range from just a few hours to a few days), “I would ask them where they’ve been hiding’.

Sometimes a lady will ask ‘How was your day?’  – but the truth is, they are not interested in how the guy’s day was – they feel lonely and want the guy’s attention.

A guy will arrange to meet with them for a date, and they’ll launch into suggesting what places they can go, what time they should meet, and more.

A partner will be quiet and withdrawn and they’ll bend over backwards to create a surprise or situation to make him feel special (and so she can feel close to him again) and feel hurt and let down when they don’t get the response they desire.

These are all examples of ‘leaning forward’.

If you’re always the one reaching out, you won’t get to see how much the other person is actally willing to invest in you.

Some women will start to send sexy pictures when they feel the ‘pull away’. Sure it’ll get his attention, but it also may end up in the lad’s whattsapp group! It may get a response, but it won’t get his heart if there’s little real emotional connection between you, and you are pursuing him. Energetically – you’re trying to prove how good you are and how you should be his main focus.

But the problem is .. we like to buy – but we don’t like to be sold to… so it doesn’t work.

Clients who take my dating masterclass, do things differently with great results.

With a masculine energy man, they like the pursuit.

It’s in their nature to set their eye on something, make the moves, and for want of a better word, bring the prize home.

There are many, many men these days now we have dating apps that put in little to no effort in dating – they are chased by women who want connection and happily put their feet up, and use all kinds of emotional guilting techniques and cries of ‘this is equality!’ to allow them to do very little.

No di*k is that good, sweetheart.

And many such types seriously over estimate how good their di*k is.

The last thing you need, is a lazy guy. On every possible level.

Learn how to swerve them with my programme Cherished

The same guy who wants you to do everything, will turn around and tell you you’re ‘too much’, ‘not enough’ or ‘too intense’. Then go ahead and chase the woman he desperately wants – the woman who holds herself in high regard.

So this is not about what’s politically correct, or how we think things ‘should’ be .  It’s about the masculine, and feminine energies within us and how we can learn to use this in our relationships.

Sometimes a woman can be afraid doing to take the pressure off because she starts panicking – what if he leaves or finds someone else?

So afraid that this guy will forget about them that they are just continuously texting, turning up to places to ‘bump’ in to him, stalking his social media..!

You don’t want to be that person, the more that you do that, the more you make yourself look desperate.

The best thing you can do, is when you realise that you’ve been leaning forward, that you’ve been chasing, is to pull it back. Breathe. Divert your energy.

Men don’t fall in love in the togetherness as women do, they fall in love in the gap. This is explained in Get Your Dream Guy Masterclass

They also have a different relationship to testosterone – and actually need time and space alone to top up their testosterone levels to feel 100%. This is important, and we shouldn’t punish a guy for needing it.

When you spend time with a partner and you’re into each other, both of you cuddle, sex and bond and it raises oxytocin – the love hormone. Women can often keep going, and going and going with this. For a man with more masculine energy, he may feel he needs to pull back ‘in to himself’ to find his centre again.

In some respects it’s similar to the male and female orgasmic and arousal cycles. A guy can be turned on quick, and be done quick, then ready again in 10 minutes – but he does need the break to come back strong.

It’s kinda similar 😉

It’s called The Rubber Band Effect and if you stop chasing him, and start understanding him… you’ll soon become the Adored Queen not the Ignored Lover.

In a long term relationship, there’s natural ebbs and flows in togetherness. How you communicate at this time is really important, and if done right can actually create more closeness and a lot less friction. Communication is a master key in Healthy, Se*y, Love.

We can act angry when we feel our man has pulled away, or we can act as though we don’t care at all and give the cold shoulder- there’s a middle road that leads to more peace.

When there’s an important matter to discuss, how you discuss it is everything. If your guy feels like he’s always being blamed and criticised he will likely pull away (isn’t this true for most of us). So increasing your communication skills is a ninja move you don’t want to miss.

I highly recommend the Communication Masterclass to address all kinds of situations that come up in dating & relationship.

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