When 2 people fall in love, especially when they’re over 30 and not teenagers anymore – they’ve lived a little, found the routines, beliefs, political views, foods, and TV programmes they like the most.
They have their own personal history; that includes what makes them angry quickly, what induces them to feel shame, their own bad habits, their insecurities and fears.
Falling in love will quickly show you the places in your own heart that are yet unhealed. This is why so many of us can feel terrified of really letting go and fully investing in one person. We may long for love, yet when faced with it – a myriad of strange fears, irrational thoughts and behaviours arise that didn’t before.
Living with someone, there is someone there to witness your bad habits, and the down days you like to hide. And you, theirs.
When we are yet unhealed within, we tend to take our partner’s behaviour very personally. We might say such things as: ‘If they loved me enough they would do X, or not do X’. But what if they were working through their own stuff, and it wasn’t directed at you?
Of course, the closer you get the more their decisions affect your life. So how do we address the things our partner does that cause us pain, discomfort, or sheer annoyance?
You both have a history, and your own wounds from the past and so you tend to poke each other’s invisible wounds, simply because you are around each other so much. Often by accident we say something that causes them anger or to withdraw… sometimes on purpose to get a reaction. Because any reaction is better than nothing for some…
Healthy conflict or disagreement can actually be an opportunity to renegotiate the boundaries of a relationships – to make clear what you or will not be ok with, and to find more understanding of your partner.
Avoiding speaking your truth can harm the relationship long term as you build resentment. This is how I have seen women, and men, manifest illness – by constantly swallowing their emotion.
Try these 3 steps:
1. Try to see the problem from your partner’s world view. Often we spend most of our time trying to convince our partner they should do it our way, yet if you seek to understand WHY from THEIR point of view it will help you to connect EVEN IF YOU DON’T AGREE. You can not agree and still understand where they are coming from.
2. From this place of being curious, you want to express your own truth from the belly in a true way. This is a practice I teach my clients called ‘3 Layers Deep’. Your initial reaction to your partner not booking dinner again, might be anger, or feeling fed up. The surface level emotions are sad, mad, glad. But what’s underneath that?
With out BLAME talk about how YOU feel. E.g. I feel neglected. Then go deeper. And I feel really worried about our future together because I really want to be connected to you.
Expressing the deeper truth that you are seeking connection, is much more likely to be heard and inspire positive action that the surface anger reaction.
3 LAYERS DEEP + express how YOU feel, not what THEY did, and how they are MAKING you feel. No one is making you feel anything, OWN your own emotion (something many of us struggle to do) This means you are so much more likely to be heard and received. At the same time it takes a vulnerability to admit you may feel scared, or insecure – yet that IS the real truth that needs to be expressed.
3. Own how you feel, and try to refrain from continually condemning and criticising your partner.
>>> It may be very true that they did a stupid thing, I don’t doubt it !!!!<<<
Yet, only focusing on the mistake is not likely to find a solution. You may need to discuss it, but find a way for you to process your emotions. What can you do for yourself that raises your vibration, and makes you feel happier or calmer. The calmer you feel, the easier it will be for you to express your truth in a more harmonious way and importantly BE HEARD.
If you are dealing with a masculine energy man, often a their nervous system starts to shut down if he feel’s ‘attacked’ and the famous withdrawal kicks in ( or a big fight starts). Remember, this is about what works, not who is right or wrong, or what people ‘should’ do under pressure.
For me the element of processing my emotions first has been a strong point for me. In the past I could be triggered easily by men because of my own past wounding. I would never be triggered by women in the same way.
Deep down I had the belief that their ‘bad’ behaviour meant either I was not loveable , or all men were useless.
That is damaging and toxic thinking.
As I healed my past wounds, I was triggered less and less to the point where I have been astounded with myself at how calmly I have managed some issues in relationship and dating, when previously I would have gone straight to anger.
Let’s be honest, life is a continual journey and steep learning curve!!! YET, when you have the right tools, you can bounce back, manage conflict in a healthier way and actually grow closer in relationship.
Sign up for Get Your Dream Guy Masterclass: https://jaydiamond.podia.com/get-your-dream-guy-dating-masterclass
Even if you are living with someone, you will learn SO much about managing your day to day life and creating a harmonious energy between you and your partner. ESPECIALLY if you want your partner to make more effort with you, and pay you more attention. The answers are in this class.