When your baby is in the afterlife ( + a healing ritual to connect )

I first felt the energy of my unborn child in 2012. Right now that baby is in the afterlife, or before life! I was in Boston with maybe another 150 Vortex Healers. It was a crisp, cold day with sun shine beaming down, close to Christmas I think. Like many others around the world we were anchoring in the massive ascension energies coming in to the planet to assist our planet Gaia and humanity. We sat for hours on end, working with a process guided by our teacher where we bring an Angel into our energetic spine to assist us in channelling and grounding such strong light energies.

Yes, an actual angel.

Anyhoo, during this long process over 2 days we were reaching a crecendo so to speak in this very beautiful and sacred work. I felt an energy so clearly ‘drop’ into my body, something just clicked, and I almost jumped up. “I feel pregnant!”

I caught myself off guard! ‘What the hell is this I thought!?’ It was so clear and definite a feeling. Like I felt a presence inside my body. It didn’t feel like a meandering thought or daydream, or a what if, but a clear knowing, a clear message. Yet I knew I wasn’t actually physically pregnant.

It felt like the clear guidance I get when I have a dream about or overwhelming urge to visit a sacred site. It felt as clear and true as I know my name, or address. It was like a clap of thunder that suddenly changed my reality

Bewildered, I shared this with the group. Our teacher replied that indeed we were part of birthing something new, and that may be my symbolic representation of it. I felt something more was afoot.

In the break I shared my experience with my clever friend, who replied, “Oh yes, (our friend) has had a spirit following her around in the astral for 6 months.” It’s very possible. Maybe that’s what’s going on, it’s an exciting time to be alive. You better be extra careful!

(Can’t tell you how glad I was she was there with this piece of advice at jst the right time!)
I felt there had been some sort of opening, and this spirit had decided to make itself known and put me on notice.


You choose your parents.

Since I read Louise Hay’s – You Can Heal Your Life many years ago,  I have believed we choose our parents.
Many people rebuke this idea, if not only because they think ‘how stupid, asif I’d have picked my parents on purpose! Don’t be ridiculous!’. But what the soul chooses for expansion, karmic resolution & evolution may not be AT ALL looking like the life you think you should have based on what society tells you.
We tend to reincarnate with some of the same soul beings around us, playing different roles in different life times. As a soul you may want to experience ‘forgiveness’ … Therefore you will need something and someone to forgive…
I have read numerous accounts of people who say they remember choosing their family before they arrived here, or children who can recount a past life and can even give you details about a place they have never been to! In my own past life regression I saw myself choosing one of my next lives, and in an A=
yahuasca ceremony I had seen myself incarnating into my mothers womb, and looking at both of my parents as a newborn child!

Wondering and waiting.


Nothing much happened after this. I wasn’t in a steady relationship and I forgot about it. Maybe it was just my strange imagination.

About 2 years later I had been seeing someone for a few months. I was happy in my career and making plans to travel. Sat at my desk one day I suddenly felt an internal BOOM!=

I felt the sperm hitting/entering my egg and it sent a reverberation throughout my whole body.
I literally shot up like a bullet form a gun, heart pounding. I almost looked around to see if anyone else heard the internal boom that had just happened inside my body.

I knew I was pregnant. I just knew, I couldn’t tell you how ( apart from the nternal boom ) but I just felt it.
As I spoke to some close friends, and did some research ( thank God for google) I found that this wasn’t uncommon at all! Why the hell didn’t I know this? Why was I unaware that many women know they are pregnant before they even miss a period or take a test because their body tells them so?! Why are we not talking about our body’s deep knowingness and communication?

My period was late. I was never late!

But this time, the baby didn’t stay and after a little while a very heavy period arrived. After intially panicking because I wasn’t in perfect circumstances, when I finally accepted I could make it work anyway, the pregnancy passed. Isn’t it funny how that happens in life. It changed my perception though. From then on, I knew I was ready, come what may. I became very clear about what I wanted, and that meant children, soon.

Young woman listening to music in bed

In spirit

There are many reasons a pregnancy doesn’t stay. Alongside the physical and chemical situations in our bodies, some souls only incarnate to get a feel physical reality but for their own reasons don’t wish to stay. The may be a soul contract situation, where we are forced to face up to our life style, relationship, choices, or need for healing. It may call us very deeply to question the nature of reality, of the universe and or God, and thus send us on a journey of self and spiritual discovery that we would not have entered had it not been for this experience.
Each soul is on its own journey. Yours, and theirs.
A few months later, I felt the presence of a spirit I intuitively knew to be this bubba who was wanting to come through me. I rarely feel the presence of spirit like this so strongly, unless I am working with Angels or Guides. I felt the spirit of a family member the night they died ( I got the call a few hours after ) and something else when I was a teenager, but that scared me so I sent it away.
There were no words, just a knowingness and presence. I sent love, and asked him/her to go and find a good partner for me to bring them through to this realm! I engaged in a kind of psychic conversation for the few days I felt its presence very strongly.
And then it was gone.
Because of these experiences I expected that I would be having a child somehow pretty quickly. It seemed like things were lined up for this to happen, but I don’t think ( well, I know) time in the realm of spirit is the same as our linear sense of time in our 3 dimensional planet.
More time passed.
On New Year’s Eve 2014 I stayed in with a friend and we did some lovely healing work, and I felt the presence again. Happy tears rolled down my face.

I read a book called “Diary of an Unborn Child” – Manuel David Coudris. It’s the incredible story of a medium who connects with her child while he is in the womb, and I felt less nuts. 

Is it real?

In the summer of 2015 I began to wonder and worry if I would ever have children. The desire to do so was becoming incredibly strong, like nothing else I have never felt, and I now understand what women mean when they say they knew when it was their time and the feelings to have a child were overwhelming
I would see and feel the spirit of, or see an actual child in my dreams, in my deep meditations, in cacao ceremonies I would see myself giving birth in visions. In a peyote ceremony I had such a strong experience of seeing a soul entering my body through my crown chakra into my womb.


I started to feel tormented. The desire was incredibly strong but my life circumstances did not reflect what I wanted and my hearts tearing was so strong it would bring me to tears. I had been single for a long time. I was doing a lot of work on my personal development, lots of high level healing and clearing through lifetimes and bloodlines and my own personal experiences. I really longed to be with a beautiful man that I could truly connect with in a really loving and authentic way. But it just wasn’t happening. I wondered whether my little spirit baby had found someone else as I couldn’t seem to get ia all lined up.
I started to feel quite ashamed of my predicament and didn’t want to tell anyone, I felt I should have these things worked out by now, and I suffered in silence for quite some time. When I did begin to share my feelings a little with some trusted friends, one lovely friend reminded me that I didn’t have to bring this child through – it was a personal choice, and I could continue to dance with them in the astral realm. I do want to bring them through though.
After a number of months face down in grief, feeling hopeless, I started to talk more openly to some friends ( thank goodness) and, started to think seriously what my options are. Maybe I will have children, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll adopt and reconnect with the little spirit that came to me that way, maybe I won’t. Maybe my circumstances will be very unconventional, and I have to accept that; maybe they won’t.
I have stopped trying to work things out. I don’t know why I had such strong experiences with little conventional means to bring them to reality. But I’m not a conventional kind of girl am I.
After much talking, crying, + healing I feel in a lighter, easier place. As it stands, I just want to have fun, laugh a lot and have a good time. If I feel a strong urge to take a particular course of action, that’s what I’ll do.
For now, I will trust that life is giving me exactly what I need, and exactly what I signed up for ( on some damn level that I don’t remember and now think was a bit of a rubbish idea, why does my soul pick the tricky path? lol )

Here is a healing ritual to connect with the soul of your child that has passed or is to come.



Do this in the knowing that all souls have their own path. What you want, may not be the path of the other soul hun. This is a time for loving connection, without expectation or demand. Be light and love.
 1 Set yourself up comfortably with a nice blanket and some lovely meditation music without words such as Wayne Dyers’ Moses Code, or Tamboura with drone by Vidura Barrios or just lovely silence. Make sure you’ll be undisturbed. Light 2 candles to represent the 2 souls, yours and theirs. 
2. Meditate silently for 5-10 minutes eyes closed, until you are in a clear, calm space. Just follow your breath, in and out, breath from your tummy not just your chest. When your mind wanders, just bring it back to following how your breath feels going in and out. If it helps you concentrate you can count for 10 breaths then start again.

3.  Silently ask for your higher self to merge with your heart and mind. Visualise a white light above your head coming down through your crown chakra on the top of your head, and filling your body with this higher self white light, when this is done,  rest your attention on your heart.

4. Visualise that you are sat on a circular seat of white light, and there is a white light bridge to another white light seat on the other side

5. Ask the higher self of the soul to come and sit in the seat opposite you, and visualise the vibrant white light of the soul floating down to join you in the seat opposite. You may feel a change of energy in your body, or temperature, or feelings. The white soul light may change to a symbol or picture, or vision or it may remain the same. 

6. Send your intention of wanting to connect. Simply thinking I want to connect with you. If you have a question, ask a question in love. Your response may come as a feeling, a symbol or a picture. If you feel you need healing, ask creator God to “please send any healing that is needed between our two souls” and allow the space for healing energy to flow. 

This process could take a little while or it could be very quick. Be without expectation. When there seems to be nothing else the soul has to communicate with you, give your heartfelt thanks for visiting you and allow them to leave peacefully. 

If you feel a release has taken place, burn some sage, copal or palo santo the clear the energy. 
Really praying this serves your heart. 

I did this exact process today before writing it for you, to check in with how it feels;  combined with a cacao ceremony which I feel really helps me to bridge in to the higher realms and receive stronger visions. I do love a solo or one to one cacao ceremony, it’s so beautiful. The process was quick for me today. The soul showed itself as masculine and announced it’s arrival date! We shall see if spirit time matches human time!!!

I love you xx

stay connected