This is a question I get asked a lot.
Like, a lot a lot
In sharing circles, in my one to one coaching sessions, and occasionally on a night out!
It’s mainly women who want their male partner to try ‘Tantra’ but have either encountered resistance, or don’t know what to say.
He’s not interested
He said it’s wierd
He doesn’t see the point
The thought of a more conscious and connective experience during lovemaking is becoming more and more appealing as women are opening up to and exploring their own sexuality in a way that relates to their own sense of feeling sacred, important and spiritual.
It’s totally OK to want a respectful and open connection with the person you’re having sex with. It’s OK to want to explore new things.. new feelings, new possibilities, new orgasmic potential. It’s OK to side step an unconscious banging of bodies with someone who does’t care if you cum or not!
Yet when you approach your new, or long term partner about the possibility, they look at you like you’re a little odd, give you a straight ‘no thanks’, or just ignore the conversation.
Or… they ask you to explain, and you get kinda tongue tied and just laugh it off because you don’t actually know what to say!
In an over sexualised world, where sex is used to sell… well, everything, social media hook ups happen by the minute and you only need swipe right to get laid tonight, where does Tantra fit in?
First up, let’s get one thing straight. Tantra is a whole body of teachings that expand human consciousness towards enlightenment. In the West, the word Tantra has become synonymous with sex only, but there are 3 main schools: Kaula, Mishra & Samaya. When you hear about the ‘left handed practices of Tantra’ that include sexual union, this is in relation to the Kaula tradition. (Read more here later) It uses the sexual kundalini energy
Traditional Tantra itself incorporates mantra (sound vibration) yantra (light vibration and form/symbols) chakra (energy centres of the body) pranayama (breathing practices ) and more.
Tantra fits in right now because humans crave connection, recognition (to be seen and accepted) and good sex 🙂 Even in our quick fix culture, or perhaps because of it, more people are wanting to explore the depths of their sexuality and sexual possibilities, especially now they know there could be something more available to them.
As more and more people are ‘waking up’, and it seems women in quicker succession than men at the moment, naturally how they want to connect sexually will follow a more conscious and loving path. Many great teachers, are helping others to explore their boundaries, release sexual trauma and shame, deepen their orgasm and intimacy and create a playful joyful energy in their life.
Your average Joe hears the word Tantra and thinks of Sting’s 8 hour sessions where “he doesn’t even cum”, and sothinks, ‘what is the point of all that then?’ Most of us have been programmed to chase the orgasm and don’t see the point of having sex without it; missing the myriad of mind, body and energy gifts sexual Tantra can give us.
You can still enjoy some tantric practices, with or without a partner, with or without ejaculation, with or without the 8 hours / stillness in sex / chanting a mantra / a heartgasm.
How do I persuade him to get on board?
I’m not a big fan of trying to ‘persuade’ someone sexually. I do like the idea of being fun, playful, and sharing the juicy benefits however.
- Here are some ways to open the conversation:
How would you feel about playing some new games in the bedroom?
I’ve been reading about really deep lovemaking and full body orgasms, it sounds amazing, have you heard about Tantra?
I’m really into a deeper, connective way of having sex… I’ve been thinking about how you and me might get together and I like the thought of it.. would you be interested in playing with some easy Tantric practices?
I’ve been thinking about how much I love having sex with you… are there any things you’d like to try? I’ve been thinking about Tantra
2. Know what you want
Know what practices you’d like to try & why. If you don’t know much, and he doesn’t know anything you could stop before you get started. You don’t have to be any kind of expert just have a few things ready to explain. (I’ll give you a few beginners tips in a minute) You can just say its a deeper exploration of sex / sexual union / sexual communication, and it’s something you’re really ready for and would love to experience with him
(Because who doesn’t want to have new awesome sexual experiences!)
Telling him how it will make you happy, and how it could benefit him is going to help. Men usually want to please their woman and get all weird about it if they think they can’t. If he thinks he won’t know what to do his ego will freak out, but if he knows you’ll think he’s a God for trying; and it could just make him the best lover ever, he’ll give it a go.
I’d like to try the eye gazing, sensual touch and circular breathing… I think it could really turn us on / give amazing orgasms / be a really deep spiritual practice, it would be amazing to have a lover who could go that deep…
I’d love to explore sexually where we could go together…
Also, with practice you can hold greater orgasmic energy in the body.
Not to be sniffed at.
3. Ask what would he need to make it happen
If he’s curious, resistant or wary, ask him what his thoughts are. What are his ideas about it? Are you on the same page? Does he know you don’t need an 8 hour marathon? What are the things he’d like to explore.. maybe you can take the lead one night, he does the next?
Be open to hearing what he has to say. Letting him know you want to start small and see where it goes will help. Letting him know there’s such a thing as Lingham worship will definitely pique his interest (come back and read about one guys experience later, here )
Then explore how you feel and dive right in and read some beginners left handed Tantra practices HERE
If he still won’t play, play with yourself!
Yes, hee hee that’s right, develop a beautiful, deep, self pleasure practice where you raise the sexual energy and orgasm up through the body, to the heart or sahasrara (crown chakra)…
If you’re lucky you’re 3rd eye might tingle… mine did